Parents
High school's over. You're no longer their boss
If your teen is graduating, it's time to renegotiate the laws of the land
Anthony E. Wolf
It's that time of year - when parents of graduating high-school children begin facing what happens next.
Many of your kids will be leaving town for university. But many won't. And the ones who are going away may still be home for the summer.
The difference is they are now newly minted adults.
"Desmond, would you please not leave your dirty dishes sitting around the house. I need you to wash them and put them away. Would you please clean them up, now."
"I'm busy right now, but I will later."
"No, I need you to clean them up now."
"Mom, you don't get it. I'm not your little kid who you can boss around any more."
Now that your teen is finished with the high-school part of his life, society no longer considers him a child; nor does he. He is officially a young adult. It's a very real shift - one that has repercussions when your child is still under your roof.
One major change is that you can't boss him around any more, at least not in the same way that you could when he was younger. Giving commands no longer works.
Still, it's your house and you still have the right to set the rules. Here's how to set and enforce them with your new adult.
It's best to have those rules clearly spelled out. It is a good idea to have a little talk, shortly after graduation, in which you present your expectations. It avoids future misunderstandings.
"If you are going to live here, there are certain things that we expect you to do. Certain rules that we want you to follow."
And what if he doesn't follow them?
"Yeah, what are you going to do then? Kick me out?"
This is, of course, the bottom line.
The truth is that parents of young adults living at home may ask their children to leave, but they rarely kick them out - forbid them to live at the house, change the locks. That usually occurs only when children regularly steal from the home, or have a serious substance-abuse problem, or turn the house into a living hell with their behaviour.
Rather, the main leverage for rule compliance - and it is surprisingly strong leverage - is that living in the home is no longer what is owed to your child.
When he was still in high school, you had an obligation as his parent to provide support and shelter - whether or not he was bratty. As an adult, he lives in the home by your choice, because you care about him.
In effect: "If you don't like the deal, you don't have to live here."
Of course, you will also have to tweak the way you interact.
"Desmond, would you please not leave your dirty dishes sitting around the house. I would really appreciate it if you would wash them and put them away. I would appreciate if you would do it now."
It's the language of the new deal. It's less bossy. Less confrontational. Yet with most now-adult teens, it does work. He does not want to be a pariah in his own home. Feeling welcome is the reward of compliance. Most children do care about feeling welcome in their own home.
There is a consolation prize for parents: Your teen no longer has the same rights within the home that they had as an official child.
"Desmond, you'll have to sit somewhere else. I want to sit in the big chair."
"But I always sit here."
"I know. But now things are a little different."
"What? I don't have rights any more?"
"Well, it is my house. And I've always wanted to sit in the big chair, but I've always let you sit there because I wanted to be nice to you since you were a kid. But now I don't think I have to any more."
"Yes, you do."
No, he doesn't.
Clinical psychologist Anthony E. Wolf is the author of six parenting books, including Get out of my life, but first could you drive me and Cheryl to the mall?: A Parent's Guide to the New Teenager.
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Rules that work
These rules are reasonable to ask of any young adult living in your home, and can make your home a more pleasant place to live. All of these apply whether or not they are giving you money to pay for their keep.
1) They should be pleasant - your tolerance for teenage surliness changes with their adult status.
2) No drug use in the house.
3) No parties at the house. Unless you want them to have parties.
4) If they are going to be away overnight, let you know so that you won't worry.
5) They should pick up after themselves.
6) If you ask them for a favour - to help with something around the house - you expect them to be willing.
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Rules that don't
The problem with these is that they are for younger kids, and genuinely do not fit in with your child's new whether-you-like-it-or-not adult status.
1) Requiring them to have a curfew.
2) Regularly asking them where they are going.
3) Expecting them to come to family meals regularly or to participate in family activities.
4) Giving them lectures about how they are going to have to get their act together.
5) Telling them not to talk with food in their mouth.
Source: Toronto Globe and Mail
Saturday's D.C. United match is sponsored by The Century Council!
The Century Council, an official corporate sponsor of Major League Soccer's D.C. United for the second consecutive year, will be the title night sponsor for this Saturday's (6/13) match against the Chicago Fire. The game is a doubleheader at RFK Stadium with the Washington Freedom – the Freedom play the Chicago Red Stars at 4:30pm and D.C. United kicks off at 7:30pm.
This year we have partnered with D.C. United midfielder and Youth Fan Club Captain Devon McTavish and the club's star midfielder Christian Gomez. Devon is featured in a PSA currently airing on Comcast SportsNet in the Mid-Atlantic region, and Christian is featured in our ad in the August issue of Nickelodeon Magazine. We have partnered with these great athletes because they say yes to a healthy lifestyle and no to underage drinking.
If you live in the Washington, DC metro area be sure to come out, stop by our tent in the Soccer Celebration area outside the stadium, and cheer on Devon, Christian, and the rest of D.C. United! Mention this blog and receive a special gift! We hope to see you there!
No, I didn't do what I just did
Teens have selective memories. But getting them to acknowledge it isn't always necessary
ANTHONY E. WOLF
"Sorry, Kayla. I'm just not comfortable with Steven coming over when I'm out."
"Omigod, we're not going to do anything. We're going to study. You think that I'm sex-crazed, which I'm not."
"No, I am just not comfortable with the two of you here alone."
The discussion continued downhill from there until Kayla threw a full-fledged tantrum, screaming at her mother, "I hate you. I hate you. I hate this house."
At which point, Kayla stormed off to her room.
Later that evening: "Kayla, you were way out of line earlier when I said you couldn't have Steven over. You can't behave that way."
"What way?"
Teens can be oblivious of their own behaviour. Promises to take out the trash? Five hours later, it's not taken out, and no memories remain of any promises.
They accidentally let the cat out. "So how did the cat get out?" "I don't know. It wasn't me."
It's as if it never happened. And even if they were somehow to see a replay, they wouldn't believe it.
"Kayla, I want you to watch this. It's a video of your tantrum earlier this evening."
"That's not me. That's some kind of trick video, like it was computer-generated."
Are they lying, or do they distort reality that easily?
The answer is probably somewhere in between. The fact is that some teens, when dealing with their family (and often other adults as well), appear to live in an altered state of consciousness whereby anything that's unpleasant somehow gets screened out. They just don't seem to get it.
So what do you do? Here's one major mistake that parents often make: They choose to exert their energy in trying to get their child to own up to what actually transpired - to admit that they did throw a hissy fit or forget to take the trash out.
The problem is that they very rarely meet with any kind of success - and I mean very, very rarely.
Instead, they invariably get into a back and forth argument about what actually happened, which works against any positive outcome.
"Kayla, you had a major tantrum and were swearing at me because you couldn't have Steven over."
"I didn't have a major tantrum. You always totally exaggerate everything I do."
"No, you were way out of line."
"You were out of line. You were yelling at me."
Unfortunately, the more that Kayla's mother focuses on getting Kayla to see or admit to what actually happened, the more Kayla becomes combative, defending her position and getting increasingly mad at her mother. The more defensive Kayla gets, the more she sees her mother as evil and the more she feels persecuted, rather than reflecting on what may or may not been her behaviour.
We ask Kayla, "What did you just learn about your behaviour from your discussion with your mother?"
"That my mother is a bitch."
This is how she will see it.
Far better is not to get caught up in trying to convince them of the reality or their culpability. Far better is to simply state the reality as you saw it, and go on from there.
"Kayla, I did not like the way you acted earlier this evening."
"What way?"
"You had a major tantrum when I said you couldn't have Steven over."
"I did not have a tantrum. You're exaggerating."
"I do not want you acting that way in the future."
"What way? I wasn't acting any way."
That is, Kayla's mother is stating her piece more or less oblivious to Kayla's denials, and needs to say no more.
Kayla will probably continue to argue, but she does hear her mother. She may or may not change her view of her own behaviour. But there was no derailing argument, only a statement by her mother that Kayla has heard and has to address in her own mind.
Will she change her behaviour in the future? Maybe, maybe not. But there is a far better chance of her reflecting on her own behaviour, rather than seeing it as just another instance of her mother being overbearing.
"I mean I don't take it back that she can be a bitch. But I do have some vague memory of me screaming at her, and maybe, just possibly me using some swear words. It's all very dim."
Source: [Toronto Globe and Mail]
The Century Council receives three Communicator Awards for its National Teen Driver Safety Week eCard
The Century Council has received three Communicator Awards for our National Teen Driver Safety Week eCard! The Communicator Awards “is the leading international awards program honoring creative excellence for Communications Professionals,” according to the awarding committee. The Communicator Awards is sanctioned and judged by the International Academy of the Visual Arts, an invitation-only body consisting of top-tier professionals from a “Who’s Who” of acclaimed media, communications, advertising, creative and marketing firms. IAVA members include executives from organizations such as Alloy, Brandweek, Coach, Disney, The Ellen Degeneres Show, Estee Lauder, Fry Hammond Barr, HBO, Monster.com, MTV, Polo Ralph Lauren, Sotheby’s Institute of Art, Victoria’s Secret, Wired, and Yahoo!
We received an Award of Excellence in the Health category. The Award of Excellence, the highest honor, “is given to those entries whose ability to communicate puts them among the best in the field. We also received two Awards of Distinction in the Charitable Organizations/Non-profit and Children categories. Awards of Distinction are “presented for projects that exceed industry standards in quality and achievement.”
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Behind the Scenes with Devon McTavish
If you've been watching Comcast SportsNet in the mid-atlantic region or visited their website (www.comcastsportsnet.com) to watch any video lately, you've probably seen The Century Council’s PSA featuring D.C. United midfielder and Youth Fan Club Captain Devon McTavish. Below is some behind-the-scenes footage from the filming of the PSA. Enjoy!
Mom, Dad, I feel I never knew you
When adolescence ends, your child can see beyond the mask he's projected onto you. Six tips for making a smooth transition
ANTHONY E. WOLF
When it happens, you won't know what hit you.
"You know, I was thinking. You've been a pretty good mother."
"What?"
"Yeah, I mean there's stuff about you that still drives me crazy, but I was thinking how you really are a very good person. I've been lucky to have you as a mom."
"What?"
"Yeah, you've really put up with a lot of stuff from me. And it's not just that. The way you talk to other people. I can see how you're really respectful, even with people who maybe you don't actually like. I really admire that. I hope I can be somebody like you as an adult."
"What?"
"Why do you keep saying 'what'? Are you some kind of parrot?"
"Noah, are you you?"
When adolescence finally ends, it can seem like a miracle. Your child mysteriously becomes nice as he begins his adult life. And, particularly jarring, he starts seeing you for who you really are.
During the throes of their adolescence, most children don't actually see their parents - they only see the role they are projecting onto you, and they seem unable to get past it.
"Hello, I'm a person."
"No, you're not. You're my mom."
They have the teenage allergy: Their feelings of attachment and dependency toward you are in direct conflict with their need to feel more adult. Your mere existence makes them feel like a little kid, totally compromises their independence. Everything about you is aggravating: "Can't she leave me alone? Does she really have to speak to me? What is she doing? She's giving me orders. Omigod."
But adolescence - and your kids' allergy to you - does end. It typically happens at the end of high school, when your deal with them dramatically changes. (Kid: You can't boss me around any more. Parent: I am no longer obligated to support you.) Just as important, your child has become more emotionally independent.
And suddenly, the mask that they have projected onto you is removed, and - voilà! - there you are. You are no longer aggravating. They see the real you, the one they've been unable to see for the past four or five years.
What does this mean? For one thing, your child will probably be more pleasant to deal with. But perhaps more than anything, this is the time when your chickens come home to roost. Usually they are good chickens. What you have sown, you will reap.
If you are basically a nice person and you have been an overall loving and supportive parent, he will recognize it. The newly adult person now gets into an adult relationship with the adult you. All the good stuff you have been doing finally gets its reward, its recognition.
But it is not always good. Sometimes the acrimony between you was too great, too constant; the bitterness built up and carried over into your adult relationship. Sometimes this thaws over time. But sometimes it does not.
There are things you can do to give yourself the best chance of a harmonious adult relationship.
First, be aware that what you do with them during their teenage years does make an impression. They do notice.
Yes, sometimes during their adolescence you will be the villain - this is unavoidable unless you always say yes, which is not recommended. At times they may be dishonest, manipulative or downright nasty. Sometimes you will lose it with them - it's an inevitable part of parenting teens.
But through it all you still want to act as a good person:
1) Try to be honest with them.
2) Don't always complain about how hard it is for you, and how much they make you suffer.
3) Take responsibility for your own actions - if you act unpleasantly, don't make excuses.
4) Don't belittle them.
5) Try sometimes to listen, or even just to shut up. Don't always criticize, make personality corrections, give instructions. Don't be a total know-it-all.
6) At times you will fail. That's okay. But above all - and this is the one condition that they most care about, that will be the truest foundation of a strong adult relationship - be there for them.
They may screw up. They may drive you crazy. They may suffer the consequences of their actions. But they are forever redeemed: Your love and your support are always there.
Is it possible to speed up the end of adolescence? No. There is nothing you can do to change or hurry it. But it does end, and that is almost always good news.
Clinical psychologist Anthony E. Wolf is the author of six parenting books, including Get out of my life, but first could you drive me and Cheryl to the mall?: A Parent's Guide to the New Teenager.
source: Toronto Globe and Mail