Parents
Dr. Wolf: "My teenager caught his dad smoking"
Dear Dr. Wolf,
My 14-year-old son “caught” my husband smoking outside. My husband quit smoking four years ago but has apparently started again without telling any of us. My son is very angry and has lost significant respect for his dad. I have tried to explain to my husband the loss of trust, but he feels our son should be able to move on. I honestly don’t know if I need more help dealing with my husband or my son. I just need to find something to help our son deal with the mistrust he is experiencing now.
Caught in Between
Dear Caught in Between,
Parents of teenagers automatically have a terrible problem: They are human beings. Which means they, like all other human beings, have flaws.
Dr. Wolf: Parenting teens: A New Year's countdown of helpful advice
As we approach the end of both the year and the decade, here's a countdown of what I think are the most helpful pieces of advice for parents of teenagers. You may be disappointed that certain favourites did not make the list, such as "Give them lots of money so they have nothing to complain about," "Forbid them from having any contact whatsoever with other teenagers," and "Threaten to come to their school at lunchtime and do a five-minute dance outside the cafeteria window unless they behave better." I have a feeling these will serve you better.
10. Do not invest too much energy into making sure that your teen is totally honest with you.
Teenagers lie. Some don't, but most do. Better to understand that there are some things that you cannot trust your teen about and act accordingly.
Dr. Wolf: Cranky teen this holiday? It'll get better
Your once loving child is now a rude, snarly teenager. This too will pass, if you wait long enough. At least, it usually does
It was Christmas Eve.
"Nathan, how many times do I have to tell you to bring in your dishes from the TV room?"
"Why do you always nag me? That's all you do: nag, nag, nag. I'd do stuff if you didn't nag me so much."
"You know that's not true," Nathan's mother objected. "You never do anything."
"You never do anything except nag."
Nathan's mother didn't know what to do. Her teenage son's lack of respect and refusal to help were driving her crazy. She was ready to give up.
Dr. Wolf: When 'this sucks' means 'hi, Mom'
Complaints from your teen may not be as negative as they appear. It's their way of making contact
"Mom, this orange juice tastes sour. It's gross. It's disgusting."
Evan's mother takes a sip. "It tastes fine to me."
"Well, it's not. It's gross. You should throw it out."
He is always complaining. Mr. Negativity. Like last night I reminded him that we're going over to his Aunt Reba's and immediately it was, "Oh, that's so stupid and boring." But then he always has a good time - which he never would admit. If there's anything that comes out of his mouth, it's always a complaint or put-down.
Dr. Wolf: How to get your teen to clean up their room
If you force your kid to clean up, your victory will be short-lived. Trust that they'll tidy up with time
The courtroom of the Honourable Justice Maureen Rascomb in the case of Matthew Thibodeau v. his mother.
Matthew: "It's really very simple: It's my room. Yes, it's a giant mess, but I'm the only one who lives there. No one else even needs to go into it. I keep the door closed so nobody has to see it except me. I live here. I am part of this family. This is the one and only part of this house that I have any say over. My mother rules the entire rest of this house. I like my room the way it is. I choose not to pick it up. To me, the room is comfortable. End of story. My case rests."
Dr Wolf: I used to smoke pot. Can I tell my teen not to now?
Even if you used to toke, you still need to confront your kid - especially if it's posing problems at school
Dear Dr. Wolf,
My teen smokes pot, plain and simple. He'll never admit it, but I've found rolling papers and empty Ziploc bags in his room, and sometimes he smells like it when he comes home. He just started Grade 11, which is a big year. My biggest issue is his moodiness and lack of ambition at school. I want to speak to him about the pros and cons, but I can't lecture him because I did the same at his age. I got an education and a good job and stopped after university, but I had a lot of high-school friends who veered down the wrong path. How do I start this conversation with my son?
-Pothead's Pop
Dear Pothead's Pop,
Many parents today feel conflicted about their children and marijuana use - especially if they themselves were marijuana users (and perhaps still are), and don't feel that marijuana was ever a significant problem in their lives.
They may even think of it fondly. "What can I say? Had a really good time. I liked that part of my life."
Even so, whether they smoked pot or not, most parents also know of at least one cautionary tale.