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Tell your teen: Think before you drink

There are a lot of reasons why teenage drinking isn't a good idea, beginning with an increase in all sorts of risky behaviours

ANTHONY E. WOLF

Many parents today are ambivalent about their teen and drinking.

"They're probably going to drink some day anyway. Besides, adolescence is supposed to be a time for fun. How bad is it if they drink? There's a lot worse stuff than drinking. And what control do I have? I can't keep them locked up in their rooms all through high school. And maybe if they do drink, if somehow it's supervised, they'll be more responsible, their behaviour will be less risky."

These are the kinds of arguments that fuel many parents' uncertainty. Add to that the fact that parents today try to be more reasonable - which is good, but makes it harder for them to take a stand where issues are complex.

It doesn't help that teenagers echo many of those issues: "What is the problem? I drink because it's fun. I drink because all of my friends do. I drink because it's totally boring around here, so what else do you expect me to do? Who does it hurt? Nobody. I know drinking and driving is bad, but I don't personally know anybody who actually died that way."

Should teenagers drink?

"Dad, is it okay if I go over to Richie's tonight? He's having some kids come over and we're going to get totally hammered. It'll just be beer and Jack Daniels. Okay?"

I'm not a fan of teens and drinking.

Yes, many will drink later on. But what's the hurry? Let me list a few arguments why I believe teenage drinking is not a good idea.

A fact that you can't get around: Drinking as a teenager significantly increases the risk of being involved in a fatal car accident.

Alcohol consumed in large quantities can be toxic to the point of death. Alcohol consumed in combination with other drugs can be more toxic than alcohol alone. (This is particularly troubling given that some teenagers experiment with prescription drugs to get high.)

Teens who drink are far more vulnerable to incidents that could damage their future. Getting seriously hurt. Seriously hurting someone else. Trouble with the law. Irresponsible sexual behaviour - unprotected sex resulting in greater risk of STDs or pregnancy. Non-consensual sex - as perpetrator or victim.

Fun becomes defined as drinking. They are less likely to have non-drinking fun, or even know that there is such a thing. Hence, they become dependent on drinking in order to have a good time.

Teens say one big reason they drink is stress relief - not a good pattern to set early in life as it gets in the way of the development of other non-drinking stress-coping skills. You learn to drink rather than cope.

Last, alcohol has a power of its own. Teenagers, like adults, vastly underestimate that power. They all think they can handle it.

Yes, it is true that you have only limited control over whether your child drinks or not. But there is something that you can do that can produce in your child a more reasoned and responsible approach - whether or not they are a drinker or will become one.

Talk with them.

Talk about what you genuinely think about them and alcohol. I offer the above thoughts as a place to start. Have the conversation often. Be as honest as you can. With anything you say, ask what they think. And listen.

"Sara, I want to talk to you about drinking."

"Must we?"

Then plunge right in.

"I worry that if you drink you might do stuff that you will later regret. Especially with guys."

"Mother!"

"Well, it is more likely to happen with drinking."

What does this do? If nothing else, it puts these words in your kid's head. When drinking comes up in her life, maybe, just maybe, some of those words will still be there. Maybe those words will influence what your child decides to do. But the words can't be there in their heads, of course, unless you say them.

Drinking is part of the world they live in. They may well end up drinking. But wouldn't you rather that they enter into that world - or not - having certain facts in their head that may yield a more considered approach to drinking? Wouldn't you rather that they approach the world of drinking with a little more thoughtfulness?

Clinical psychologist Anthony E. Wolf is the author of six parenting books, including Get out of my life, but first could you drive me and Cheryl to the mall?: A Parent's Guide to the New Teenager.

source: Toronto Globe and Mail

This March, give yourself (and your teen) a break

During March Break, most parents worry about the mischief their unsupervised teenaged children will get into.

Maybe they should be more concerned about the reverse: Maybe more dreaded than teens being home alone, what about those times when you would normally be home when they are in school, but now they're home, too?

“I come into the TV room to sit in the lounger chair to watch CNN, like I always do, and there's Clayton in my chair playing video games.”

It's the hidden hazard of March Break: Your teen is around more. Constantly underfoot. His messiness and carelessness and inconsiderateness right in your face. Whether you work or not, whether you've taken the week off or you're coming home to an even larger disaster zone than usual, the day-to-day irritants of having them around are more present because they are more present.

“I go back into the kitchen to eat the tuna salad sandwich that I just made for myself and it's gone. Elena, did you eat my tuna sandwich?”

“Yeah. What's the problem? I thought you wouldn't mind. It was just sitting there.”

It's the headache of living with a teenager, only amplified.

“I asked Cynthia to turn off the light when she left the family room, but she didn't, so I had to do it. And then she comes back into the room to get her can of soda, turns the light on, gets her soda, leaves the room and leaves the light on all over again.”

They have so many flaws, so many negative aspects to their personalities – all of which drive you nuts – very much on display. How do you make it through the week?

Fortunately, there are certain facts that can help supply some useful psychological distance from them – whether during March Break or over the course of their adolescence.

One consoling and absolutely true fact: Adolescence ends. And your teen really will change. She'll be nicer to you. She'll act in a far more mature manner. It is a phenomenon that parents often describe as akin to a miracle. And not only will she change, but she already possesses many of those good traits. You just don't get to see them often.

“What a polite, considerate girl your Cynthia is.”

“She is?”

Reminding yourself of the above is a big deal because it means that when they are acting like immature jerks, you don't have to react to every jerky thing that they do as a mandatory teaching moment.

It is not your responsibility as a good citizen and good parent to correct all character flaws as they are displayed by your teenager so many times over the course of a given day. Every impossible obnoxiousness does not require something of you. It just feels that way.

If you do need to say something – if you do choose to intervene – you definitely want to make it as swift as possible. Fast in, fast out. Short. Simple. And end.

Hence, after Cynthia has again not turned off the light when leaving the family room, all that is required is: “Cynthia.”

“What?”

“I need you to remember to turn out the lights when you leave a room. The money that we waste on electricity adds up.”

“It does not add up, Mom. You fuss too much about money.”

But Cynthia's mother has said all that she needs to say. The extra back and forth between parent and teenager where we are trying to get through to them so rarely has any positive usefulness.

The other option is simply moving on. Don't make that comment you're dying to make.

For March Break, you could give yourself a break. Make this pledge: “At least for this week I don't have to work on changing their abominable character traits.”

It makes having them around so much easier. And don't forget, soon they will be back in school. You hope.

Monday morning: “Why aren't you at school?”

“It was so cool being at home with you, I decided to drop out of school so I can be here all the time. Can you fix me an omelette?”

Anthony E. Wolf is a clinical psychologist and the author of six parenting books, including Get out of my life, but first could you drive me and Cheryl to the mall?: A Parent's Guide to the New Teenager.

Source: Toronto Globe and Mail